Its ME! Blogging

I send Lil'gem to my mum's house today as my sister's going to visit Ayit in Melaka. Kesian mak, dah la si kecik tu dah semangat skarang ni. Mesti penat nk mengejar die.

Father's day is on the 15th. The other day I saw someone and he reminds me of my late father and suddenly I cried. I really missed him. Even writing this makes me wanna cry. Father died in 1999 when I was 18 due to something that I wont talk about here and it was a sudden death. We dont prepare for that.

The last time I saw him was the night before he passed away. I slept at my sister's house on that day and he did some 'air tawar' for my sis' eldest boy coz he was coughing for quite sometimes and the prescription that the doctor gave doesnt make any different. He was explaining to me on what to do with the water, he told me to asked my nephew to drink a bit and the rest to rub on his face while I was looking at the other side listening to I cant really remember what. He was a bit upset and asked me to listen carefully to what he wants to say. Me being stupid and rude making face infront of him but not that rude just showing that I'm not very happy with his remark and start concentrating on his explanation.

Then off I went to my sis' house. But I still remember I looked at him until he disappeared from my sight. I still remember that last vision of him and it stays till now. I feel so regret until one day about a week after he died I dream of him and I hug him asking for forgiveness and that I missed him terribly and that I love him so much. He didnt say anything but I think I felt like he said its ok. I also asked him 'sakit tak bah' and I cant remember if he answers me I think he didnt. When I woke up I still can feel the tears and I continued crying until I fell asleep. After that I feel much better as though he has forgiven me for what ever wrong things that I've done. But the feeling of regretfulness still remain until this very day. I cant control myself from breaking down everytime my mind reminiscing the happy moment I had with him. I slept on his lap until the age of 7. He's so gentle and caring and he's a perfectionist. His handwriting is to nice. He plays instrumental. He recite Al-Quran very nicely.

Before he died, I never showed him how much I love him and I never had a chance to pay back all his sacrifices. I've never had a chance to celebrate his birthday or wish him Happy Father's Day just because its not our family's culture. We hardly show our love towards each other not until he passed away. Maybe from what had happened, we learned to appreciate more.

I never told anyone about this until recently when I told hubby about it. Now, I've learned that we have to appreciate people that we love while they're still alive. I want my mother get all the love that she needs and the appreciation, telling her that she meant a lot to me. I LOVE YOU MAK! I'm nothing without you... I still didnt post the poem that I wrote for her. Maybe I will post it together with the poem that I wrote for arwah Abah.

Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas roh Abah, Al-Fatihah...

And semoga Allah memanjangkan umur mak biar dapat aku balas segala pengorbanannya selama ini. InsyaAllah...