Its ME! Blogging

Truth hurts.

It is even hurt when you cant do anything to fix the damage that you have done.

Right now, I look at us differently. Its just not the same.

Is it wrong for me to stand for him? I'm a wife, and it is my duty to stay next to him through ups and downs, through thick and thin.

And whatever things that shouldn't been said, have been said. I know I've done mistakes. But I think I dont deserve this.

Right now, I have no choice but to stay put.
Right now, I dont really know how I feel.
I am not angry.
I am not sad.
I feel... little. Yes little.

I surely can forgive, but could I ever forget?

I've delivered a 3.15kg baby boy on 11th June 2009 at 10.31a.m. The delivery wasn't so hard like the first time. This time around I only experienced the main contraction for about 10-15 minutes then kebushh!! Here out the baby ;p. We named the baby Sayf Al-Shaahid. Sayf means Sword, while Shaahid means Angle. Husband chose the name this time and I have no objection coz the meaning is so beautiful.

Before I was discharged, my son had jaundice however the peads said he doesnt required admission but a follow up checkup need to be done in 3 days. After 3 days, the reading worsen and he was admitted. Even after a week of admission, his jaundice does not show any better infact, the doctor said he had some infection and required antibiotic for 3 days, and prolong to 7 days after that. He had fever and was isolated from other babies due to his condition.

After a month, his jaundice was still appear and the doctor did a blood test which revealed that he actually had a liver function problem. The paeds referred him to a gastroenterologist in UMMC and we were told that he required immediate operation. By recalling and writing this i actually have tears in my eyes. I dont know where my strength coming from at that time. I wasnt really cry so much at that time coz i know i must be strong. And I'm actually preparing myself to accept the fact that i might lost him, how his life was being compromised at that time. Only after all that i realized how sad I am and what if I lost him? Really I cant take it, I'm sure I can never accept it.

But that was the past. Now he's a healthy boy who's so funny and make my life complete. He will be having his follow up check up but all are good, he's progressing well.

Through this chapter, I now appreciate life more. And now I know how much I would sacrifice for my children. My mom always said 'kau tak tau, kau belum jd mak'. Now I know mak, I know how mothers would over-react on certain things involving their children.

Ok till we meet again. I'll upload my son's photos when I got time. Till then, ta!

This was written sometimes ago in my phone at around 3a.m. Now only I'm able to write it in my blog.